


Of Burdens and Failures, and Impossible Choices

by fireworksinthenight



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 20:57:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireworksinthenight/pseuds/fireworksinthenight
Summary: Siblings share similar traits, for better or for worse.





	Of Burdens and Failures, and Impossible Choices

**Author's Note:**

> _Both a writing experiment, and a characters’ dynamics experiment, so to speak._

Donnie's fingers taps away at the alien device. His tongue is slightly sticking out, showing how absolute his concentration is.

Behind him, the fight rages on. The Kraang aren't willing to let them steal their secrets and compromise another one of their crazy plans to take over the Earth.

Donnie doesn't look at it. His task isn't fighting, not when his brain is needed. His brothers will cover him.

Lines of symbols parade across the screen. He doesn't recognize any of them, and he swears. They changed their codes, again.

As if it isn't hard enough that it's alien technology.

"Donnie, hurry," Raph shouts.

He's panting and Donnie can only guess how long his brother will be able to hold off the enemy.

He bits his lip and tries to go faster. To think faster. These symbols… He has no doubt he could decipher them, if given the time.

Time is a luxury.

The rhythm of the fight behind him changes slightly. The clatter of steel and the whistling of sharp edges tell him which one of his brothers has joined Raph.

"Donnie, how long?" Leo asks.

"I don't know. This… this is difficult."

He risks a glance above his shoulder. The Kraang have brought some of their top-notch warriors from Dimension X, and things are going to worsen for his brothers very soon.

"Donnie, let's go."

Donnie winces. Leo must have come to that same conclusion, and decided that staying was too risky. But he's not ready to give up yet. Science is his domain. He knows. He learns. He makes hypothesis and tests them, he builds and tries. There lies his added value to the team.

He's a genius. He can do this.

"Just one more minute, Leo!"

He can't see his brother's face, but he guesses his hesitation.

"Alright."

"Make that half a minute," Raph adds through gritted teeth.

Donnie focuses again on his task, and he hears his brothers moving away. They must have cleared the path around him, and try to distract the remaining enemies away from him - or maybe lend a hand to Mikey, whose mission is to wreak as much chaos as possible. Needless to say he's doing an outstanding job.

Donnie takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can.

He tries another sequence, and this time, he recognizes the symbols appearing on the screen.

For half a second, he doesn't believe his eyes; then his heart starts racing. It's a warning that the device he's working on will self-destruct in ten seconds, or as soon as he stops touching the screen - he doesn't know exactly what mistake he has made to trigger this self-defense mechanism, but it won't matter now.

Ten seconds can be agonizingly long.

He has the time to glance at his brothers, to assert that they are far enough away from him so the blast probably won't kill them, to wonder if there is any way he can avoid this - or any place he can hide in - but there isn't, and then he's making eye contact with Leo and he doesn't know how, but his brother seems to understand that something is going terribly wrong - and Leo begins running to him…

Donnie doesn't want to die.

He also doesn't want his brother to die.

What if Leo is too close to him when the device blows up?

He takes his decision.

His fingers tremble as he moves them away from the screen before the end of the countdown.

The world around him explodes.

_"Donnie!"_

* * *

He's lying on the floor, his limbs aching, and he doesn't understand how he's still breathing.

Blinking, he fights to catch his breath and look at his surroundings.

The Kraang have brought inside the room two cannons, and one of them has just fired at the device, interfering in the first blast and making it less deadly than it should have been.

Leo is crouched next to him. Donnie assumes it's his handiwork, although it seems unlikely that his brother had the time to fully understand the situation and devise a plan.

One way or the other, the fact it worked is sheer, dumb luck.

"Guys, are you alright?"

Raph and Mikey are running to them, and Donnie nods wearily. He manages to stand up and follows as Leo leads them away, leaning on Mikey for help while Raph supports Leo.

He replies mechanically to Mikey's questions - yes, it exploded, no, he's not injured, no, he doesn't need to chew on Mikey's half-eaten pizza slice to feel better - and avoids looking at Leo.

He knows that the fact they're alive is more important than learning about the Kraang's secret plan, but he can't help feeling like he has failed.

* * *

He's in his lab, reading a book on chemistry. He has explained to his brothers that he wasn't able to decipher the alien code, but that he hasn't given up yet - he remembers it, and now that he has time to think, new ideas are flooding his brain - but he hasn't told them about the rest.

It's not the first time they nearly die. In fact, it's almost a daily occasion.

However, last night was different. Last night, he chose to - he deliberately chose to…

"Donnie?"

Donnie pretends to be too engrossed in his book to notice the turtle sneaking inside his den, but he doesn't miss the way Leo glances at him, nor the fact he closes the lab's door behind him.

"Donnie, can we talk?"

He doesn't want to, he really, really doesn't want to. But he can't refuse without making Leo even more suspicious than he already is.

Leo comes closer to his desk and Donnie mutters his agreement. His brother clears his throat.

"Donnie, are you sure you're okay?"

Memories flash through his head. _Leo running to him. Him deliberately triggering the inevitable explosion so_ _his brother_ _doesn't have the time to come too close…_

"Sure, Leo," he answers, and he's proud that his voice isn't shaking.

He doesn't look at Leo's face, but he can see him twist his fingers, like he does when he's embarrassed - or lost in thought.

"What happened?"

Donnie shrugs.

"The Kraang must have trapped their device. It's not that hard - you only need to choose when to trigger the self-defense mechanism, for example when somebody deviates too much from a pre-determined pattern, like…"

"I wasn't talking about this," Leo cuts him off gently.

Donnie grimaces. Leo remains quiet for a while, as if he's waiting for Donnie to comment on this statement - but Donnie doesn't, forcing him to expand.

"When I looked at you, you were… I thought you had…"

 _Given up,_ Donnie hears the words that his brother doesn't say. From the corner of his eye, he sees him shake his head.

"Never mind. I… I'll be in my room if you need anything."

Donnie watches as Leo turns around and begins to leave, feeling both relieved and disappointed that his brother isn't going to push - and he's the first surprised when he hears himself speaking.

"I didn't want you to die."

Leo turns around so fast that Donnie doesn't have the time to look away from his shocked face.

"There was no need for both of us to die," he expands a little, trying to explain his logic.

"So you did give up," Leo states.

Donnie can tell that he's trying hard to keep his voice from sounding accusative, but he bristles anyway.

"There was no other rational way out of there!"

Leo doesn't add anything, his fingers clasped to half-fists, and Donnie looks down on his own hands, pressed flat on his desk. He doesn't remember standing up.

"It would have exploded anyways, because I messed up! I wasn't going to let you blow up with me!"

They are forehead against forehead now, so there is no way Leo can miss the hurt that's probably written all over Donnie's face, or the crack in his voice.

"Donnie, you can't just sacrifice yourself like that! You're too precious!"

Donnie clenches his fists. His mind is calling back memories, pictures of Leo ordering them to leave him behind, of a Kraang ship sinking in the ocean, feelings of emptiness as he tries to grasp that his brother is gone, for the longest of minutes before Leo comes back to them, miraculously alive…

"And you're not?"

Leo flinches, and Donnie knows that his words have hit home. He can see it in Leo's eyes, the fight between admitting that Donnie has a point and the urge to keep him safe at any price…

"We're not talking about me," Leo dodges.

Donnie breaks eye contact and turns around, throwing up his arms.

"You're right, we're talking about me! The genius who kept trying to understand an alien device even if it was obvious that he wasn't going to do it in time! I had this one thing to do, and I failed!"

He lets his shoulders sag.

"Nobody could have known for sure how it would have reacted to the cannon. We were lucky, nothing more. And luck doesn't last forever."

He doesn't hear Leo coming closer, but he does feel his arms sliding around his shell. Hugging him like he's never going to let go.

"I'll take luck and everything else if it means we live through another night. You're so much more than a genius, Donnie."

Donnie inhales deeply.

"But if I had been faster… Or if we had left when you wanted to… There are so many ways we could have avoided it."

"I _know_ ," Leo whispers, with such intensity that Donnie, finally, turns his head to look at him. "But brooding over it is going to drive you crazy."

Donnie nods, slowly. He understands why Leo would say that - why Leo would know that. Still, it's easier said than done.

He puts his hands on his brother's arms and leans against his plastron.

"And what if I trigger another alarm next time? And what if we're out of luck?" he can't help asking.

Leo hugs him a little tighter.

"Don't worry about it. Mikey triggers alarms all the time, doesn't he?"

Donnie's laugh is a strangled thing, but it _is_ there, so he guesses it's a win for Leo's twisted sense of humor.

"But _he_ 's never out of luck."

Leo chuckles. Then they stay silent for a while - until Leo talks again.

"Promise me you'll always give me as much time as you can to help you. No matter what you think could happen to me. Please."

His words are a mere whisper, but they're still carrying both an order and a prayer - and Donnie isn't sure if he's reacting to the authority or the distress in his tone. Probably both.

"I promise."

He can feel Leo's smile in his next words, and it's worth the knowledge that this is unbalanced - that Leo wouldn't make the same promise, ever.

"Thank you."


End file.
